Your mind can have one reaction towards grief and your body a completely different reaction. And if your mind says it is ok, no big deal, inversely, your body can say, nope this is a huge fu@king deal. All day long I have been going back and forth between the two, like a ping pong ball and it is getting pretty exhausting.
Yes, mentally I know today is when Colin was officially diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago. Mentally, I also know it is just a day on a calendar and not a big deal. I don’t feel bothered by today in my mind, it is more like a casual observation.
My body however, well the body knows things and feels things all on its own. It is a weird thing. An outpouring of grief your mind perhaps won’t express? So far, I have peeled my finger while peeling cucumbers. Cut said tip of finger (badly) when slicing said cucumbers. Totally forgotten where my phone is. And my purse. And my keys (thank God for Tile). In my car, backed up and hit a curb. Also driven over a curb. Only fed one dog, the other one was like WTH?? Can’t focus at all (lord help me when I play bingo tonight) and struggle to finish a thought. And that is what I have noticed, what am I doing that I am not noticing, I wonder?
Back when Colin was first diagnosed, I remember going to Giant. And wandering though the grocery store totally forgetting what I was there for. So I threw a few random things in the cart. Paid but left my purse and walked away. Thank you to the person that noticed. Got to my car but didn’t put the groceries in the car because I had put the cart in the collect the cart area and literally was pulling away when a person flagged me down. I remember it so clearly because I felt totally fine!! But my body was saying on a much deeper level, not today sugar puff.
I find on days when your body is voicing its own opinions, you better listen. Too often the mind tries to take control, to push through, like a ranting toddler wanting its own way. But I am telling you, the body knows. It knows today is the day our life shifted and stopped being our life. It knows that this was the day that started the beginning of the end. It knows it yearns for our life before cancer. It knows the Colin is gone.
It knows there was a clear before. And a clear after. And I really don’t like the after.
