It is not possible to know how intricately woven the fabric of your life is until you have run out of one of the threads you use every day. You are not done needing that thread but then all of a sudden, without any warning, you run out. Colin was such a vibrant thread in our family.
It is a lot of work to keep weaving without his thread. And it is all encompassing, in many ways that would not have crossed my mind, areas I didn’t even know existed! Areas that it never occurred to me that his thread would be so glaringly missed. Simple, silly things like going to see Avengers End Game without him. He was such a huge fan and it hurts my heart that he misses the last movie and hasn’t been a part of the conversations leading up to it. That is won’t be sitting there with us as he should be.
Then it can be serious, like having to gather information and make plans how to close his college savings accounts. I made that phone call yesterday and the raw pain of knowing he never needed all that penny pinched savings for college… well it hurts. The poor man that got my call; he was so very kind to me.
Colin’s friends come home from college soon. My mind has often said, for example when we went to Willamsburg for spring break, “Colin wouldn’t be here anyway because he would have been at school.” Maybe an irrational way of rationalizing his absence but sometimes, I just have to give my heart and mind a break. Soon I won’t be able to use that excuse anymore and his thread will be so glaringly absent for the summer months.
It’s terrible when he gets a piece of mail but that is happening less and less, so it is becoming more terrible that he isn’t getting mail, as life weaves its own pattern without his tread, moves on. Each person’s thread is such a treasure in it’s own uniqueness. I do appreciate that I have a different perspective and can more clearly see all of life’s threads, everywhere coming together and changing, merging, parting and ever shifting. But boy, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t give to have Colin’s thread back in our pattern.