You hear the words your child has cancer and it makes no sense. You think wait, how could he possibly have cancer, he is just a child? Then you start the process of trying to kill the cancer. And it becomes real and everything explodes out of control. There is nothing to do but let it go and hope. Hope to get better.
There is no making sense of it because it is just not something to make sense of. I have learned that not everything in life can make sense. Somethings never will no matter how much you wish it so. Yet the human need to ascribe a reason to bad things or people or events or say, a child getting cancer and trying so hard to make sense of it just leads to so much pain. For me, it is asking, doubting…the what did I do when I was pregnant? Or did I have chemicals in the house that switched something in his cells? Could I have been a better mom? A better care giver? Did that fleeting time I was exhausted and I thought about how tired I am and how much easier my life was before having a child lead to me being punished? Was I selfish, a bad person? What in the world would cause my child to have cancer? Humans like to take the blame. Think we can control things even if that something is a bad thing. That by controlling it, by understanding it, we can keep it from happening again.
I know the truth. We are just not that much in control. And it is a hard concept to accept, to let go of the fact that you will never know. And that sometimes no matter how deep the love, or how hard the trying to understand, there just are not reasons and it can’t be made sense of. Things happen. Very bad things happen. And they won’t make sense ever. No matter how hard you try to understand.
So, I don’t waste time trying to figure it out. Don’t waste time doubting yourself or your decisions because we can’t go back in time. We can only know, at that moment we made the decision, it was the right decision for that moment. And that matters. That counts.
My mind wanders there every now and again and I gently say, no thanks and walk my mind away from it, from the doubt or the trying to make sense of it all. It would not be fair to Colin to waste time on anger. Or bitterness. Or what if’s. We all only have so much energy to use. Colin worked very hard to use his energy to be positive. To do his best to get better. He took the steps he was told to take and he did each one with faith.
Colin’s faith was in trying hard, trying his best. A bad day didn’t define his next day. I have to believe that is what truly matters. Every moment you have, every single second is one you can pick and chose how to use. Not look back and doubt. Not look ahead and try to make sense of it. I witnessed time and again how hard Colin tried until, he just couldn’t try anymore. He didn’t waste time wondering why me. I know he thought it sometimes and on occasion, asked it out loud in agony to whom ever above, was listening. But he didn’t stay in that place, he took himself and gently walked his mind away. He kept faith.
I am going to keep on doing that. Trying hard, trying my best. And some days my best might be just waking up and remembering to breath. I won’t know why Colin died, was it part of a plan? Or just random bad luck? I truly don’t know and I am ok with not knowing. Worrying and being angry about all that stuff only gets in the way of living. And loving. And it is only though loving that I can continue to honor Colin.
