It was not my original intention when Colin passed away to start a foundation in his honor. I mean, plenty of times I have said, when Colin gets better I am going to do this or do that. But then Colin didn’t get better and everything changed when he died. Honestly, each day is a challenge to just get through. Let alone to manage a project like starting a not for profit foundation, even a tiny one.
But I can’t help feel I am standing at a crossroads. Do I turn to the left and neatly package and put away everything that happened to me, to us, to Colin? Start in a new direction, a direction that doesn’t include him? Or do I keep going on this same road that is filled with memories, so many of them incredibly painful? A willingness to start even a teeny tiny non profit means ripping those memories wide open and weaving them with new experiences. It’s opening up those memories to others. It means a willingness to face head on, every day that Colin isn’t here to be a part of what we wanted to do together. But what if it isn’t about making a huge change? What if it is about just being a small ripple that spreads out, whispering Colin….
I had to look up the definition of foundation. It means, “an underlying basis or principle for something.” Colin knew how precariously his life hung in the balance and he knew when it tipped out of his favor and his life was no longer going to be his to live. Colin’s principle, part of his own foundation was based on a willingness to try each day to achieve the best day he could. Honestly, for him, most of his days were pretty crappy and sometimes the best he could do was to manage a shower. Yet each day, he practiced mental self care, he looked inward to assess what was going to work for him, what wasn’t going to work and he put together a plan to move forward. One, single day at a time. And on his last day, he still knew what was and what wasn’t going to work. What a brave, mentally strong young man Colin was, he is… I don’t think in death you stop being who you were.
I guess it seems to me, I can adopt that attitude too, of taking it one day at a time, see what will and won't work and and start a foundation with the help of a dear friend, and make that ripple. And see where it goes from there.
Dave and I helped build Colin’s strength, not just by being his parents but though the support of others, though community, through kindness and compassion. But very importantly, though accessing quality mental health care that equipped Colin with the tools to turn his pain into power. Everyone working together helped him become more of what he was meant to be and if I can do that for just one other person, then that counts for something and I suppose as I said, it is ok if it starts with just a ripple, whispering Colin.
Please be part of our ripple and help turn those ripples into waves. Those whispers into a loud voice, stronger and louder together. Truth be told, I am nervous and scared. And a bit overwhelmed. I suppose there is truth in the statement, nothing that is worthwhile ever comes easy. And heaven knows, the reasons that stand behind the starting of this foundation are as far from easy as could possibly be. But let’s try, and see what comes of it.
~ Melissa